Panic?
2007-06-26 - 9:11 p.m.

I finally got to speak with my contact at the new job today. She called about ten minutes late, but at least she managed to call today. She said last Friday that she had a bad cold and was losing her voice and couldn't talk on the phone, so I asked today if she was feeling better. She said no. I have to admit I didn't feel much sympathy for her because she seemed really, really blase about talking to me today. Almost sounded like she was reading from a script and it was the last thing on earth she wanted to be doing at that moment.

Anyway, I'll try not to hold it against her or the place in general. I now have to go through their training program, which consists of some online reading with quizes after each section. I took a few of the quizes this evening and they were pretty easy, so I'm hoping the rest will be just as easy. I was told the training will take a total of about 3 hours and I can complete it at my own pace, then I need to let them know I'm done and then I can start working.

B and I have taken several bike rides in the evening lately and it's been a nice change from the walks we were taking and a bit more of a workout, too. We're hoping to take our bikes up the road to this wooded trail that we walked on earlier in the year, but we need to work up a little endurance first. I don't think we rode our bikes at all last year. I don't know what happened; I guess we just didn't feel like riding them.

Something happened to me last Friday evening that I hesitate to write about because I hate even thinking about it because it was so disturbing, but I want to make a record of it just in case. I don't know for sure, but I think I had a panic attack. What it actually felt like was a seizure or a stroke about to happen.

I was watching Star Trek TNG and there was a guy whose mind was trapped between two dimensions. I had already been feeling weird earlier that day, like really unfocussed and could hardly read, then while watching this show I suddenly felt like MY mind was trapped between two dimensions...like it was being pulled apart or, like I described to B, like someone had an egg mixer in my brain and was about to flip it on high. It was the scariest feeling I've ever had. Of course, then I felt really panicky and nauseous and I really thought I was losing my mind. When it was happening I couldn't even explain to B what was going on. He thought I was just hyperventilating.

I've been having this tight feeling in my chest for several months now (have I talked about this?) and sometimes at night when I'm trying to go to sleep, my heart will suddenly start beating like mad and I feel panicky about...nothing! That hasn't happened in a while, though, but this chest tightness has been pretty constant and seems to be getting worse. I've read that W e l b u t r i n can cause anxiety, but I've been taking it for several years now and I've never had this problem before. I definitely need to talk to my OB/GYN about this when I see her next month.

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